1 00:00:04,853 --> 00:00:06,037 Why isn't this book about tech? 2 00:00:06,061 --> 00:00:09,311 I didn't write about tech because tech destroys worlds. 3 00:00:09,395 --> 00:00:11,478 - And I, I wanted to create... - (CLAPPING) 4 00:00:12,311 --> 00:00:14,269 May I have a token for the restroom, please? 5 00:00:15,311 --> 00:00:16,704 ETHAN: So, you guys are planning to build 6 00:00:16,728 --> 00:00:18,978 your own external antennas to deploy for the Hawaii test? 7 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:21,144 Why not just give away Hooli phones for the test? 8 00:00:21,353 --> 00:00:23,287 I don't wanna use Hooli shit any more than you guys, 9 00:00:23,311 --> 00:00:24,853 but this will get us to Hawaii. 10 00:00:25,269 --> 00:00:27,645 HOOVER: MSNBC wanted to interview you about being 11 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,687 an "anti-tech evangelist." 12 00:00:29,770 --> 00:00:31,770 What did Publishers Weekly say about my book? 13 00:00:31,853 --> 00:00:33,269 Publishers Weekly is a... 14 00:00:33,853 --> 00:00:35,144 terrible magazine, sir. 15 00:00:35,228 --> 00:00:36,269 Call Maddow. 16 00:00:36,353 --> 00:00:38,311 - (PHONE PINGS) - It's from Gwart. 17 00:00:38,645 --> 00:00:41,687 "I'm dissolving my company and taking a job elsewhere." 18 00:00:41,770 --> 00:00:43,520 I'm free to return to work with Richard. 19 00:00:43,728 --> 00:00:45,603 Your position's been filled. 20 00:00:46,436 --> 00:00:47,895 No, it hasn't. 21 00:00:55,019 --> 00:00:56,895 ♪ ♪ 22 00:00:56,978 --> 00:00:59,144 (MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING) 23 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,478 (ROARING) 24 00:01:03,436 --> 00:01:05,436 (ROARING) 25 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,728 (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) 26 00:01:09,812 --> 00:01:11,311 ♪ 27 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,144 (EXPLOSION) 28 00:01:18,937 --> 00:01:20,520 (EXPLOSION) 29 00:01:22,645 --> 00:01:24,478 (EXPLOSION) 30 00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:28,853 (EXPLOSIONS) 31 00:01:38,937 --> 00:01:40,311 (MUSIC ENDS) 32 00:01:42,687 --> 00:01:43,895 Fuck yeah, right? 33 00:01:44,019 --> 00:01:45,937 You see the chick in the racism car? 34 00:01:46,019 --> 00:01:47,895 I banged her in the famine truck. 35 00:01:47,978 --> 00:01:49,520 I-I'm sorry. What is this? 36 00:01:49,603 --> 00:01:52,436 It's the trailer for my festival, RussFest. 37 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,436 Three days of partying, sucking, and fucking on a plot of land 38 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,436 so far out even Nevada barely wants it. 39 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,603 I'll be serving Tres Commas exclusively. 40 00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:01,829 It's gonna be like Burning Man, 41 00:02:01,853 --> 00:02:03,478 except I'll make a fuckton of money. 42 00:02:03,561 --> 00:02:04,687 So, Earning Man? 43 00:02:06,436 --> 00:02:09,603 I literally love you, you spooky fuck. So, we in? 44 00:02:09,687 --> 00:02:11,103 - In what? - RussFest. 45 00:02:11,186 --> 00:02:12,995 There's no internet in the middle of the desert, Richard. 46 00:02:13,019 --> 00:02:14,412 Maybe that's why no one lives out there. 47 00:02:14,436 --> 00:02:15,829 I don't know, I'm not an archaeologist. 48 00:02:15,853 --> 00:02:17,454 All I know is they're telling me it's gonna cost 49 00:02:17,478 --> 00:02:19,454 a fucking fortune to get the infrastructure out there. 50 00:02:19,478 --> 00:02:21,269 Unless you guys do it for free. 51 00:02:21,353 --> 00:02:23,395 - Why would we do it for free? - Because it's cool. 52 00:02:23,478 --> 00:02:25,412 - It's good for your brand. - RICHARD: Well, Russ, 53 00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:27,853 we appreciate the interest... 54 00:02:27,937 --> 00:02:29,144 I like where this is going. 55 00:02:29,228 --> 00:02:30,687 - But... - Fuck! 56 00:02:30,770 --> 00:02:33,812 Uh, right now, we are trying to launch 57 00:02:33,895 --> 00:02:36,103 a huge pilot program in Hawaii. 58 00:02:36,186 --> 00:02:37,645 Dinesh is actually heading out there 59 00:02:37,728 --> 00:02:40,228 first thing tomorrow morning, and I am about to sit down 60 00:02:40,311 --> 00:02:42,561 with the network operations president of ATandT, 61 00:02:42,645 --> 00:02:45,520 trying to close this massive deal, 62 00:02:45,603 --> 00:02:48,978 but that all depends on getting Hawaii right. 63 00:02:49,061 --> 00:02:50,371 There's just no way we could do both. 64 00:02:50,395 --> 00:02:52,520 And you would rather do Hawaii than RussFest? 65 00:02:52,603 --> 00:02:54,144 I would rather 66 00:02:54,228 --> 00:02:57,770 do my own mother than RussFest. 67 00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:01,144 How come whenever you guys wanna do some shit, 68 00:03:01,228 --> 00:03:02,371 I'm always like, "fuck yeah!" 69 00:03:02,395 --> 00:03:03,829 But whenever I wanna do some cool shit, 70 00:03:03,853 --> 00:03:06,478 you guys piss all over it! You know what? Gimme this. 71 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:10,103 Have fun shoving pineapples up each other's dick holes! 72 00:03:10,186 --> 00:03:12,311 And pussy holes. 73 00:03:12,812 --> 00:03:14,311 You creepy fuck. 74 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:17,561 (THEME SONG PLAYING) 75 00:03:24,937 --> 00:03:26,561 What have I been telling you, Lawrence? 76 00:03:26,645 --> 00:03:28,812 Impressive. Very impressive. 77 00:03:29,937 --> 00:03:32,019 - Looking forward to talking a lot more. - Yeah. 78 00:03:32,103 --> 00:03:33,770 Yeah, definitely. 79 00:03:34,311 --> 00:03:35,770 (INAUDIBLE) 80 00:03:36,478 --> 00:03:38,478 - Richard! - (GASPS) Whoo! 81 00:03:39,561 --> 00:03:41,353 - Sorry. Um, how did it go? - Cool. 82 00:03:41,436 --> 00:03:44,228 Well, I wanna keep it on the down-low, but, uh... 83 00:03:44,937 --> 00:03:46,436 - (SLAMS DOOR) - Fuck. 84 00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:51,103 Is that joy? 85 00:03:51,186 --> 00:03:53,061 It could not have gone better. 86 00:03:53,812 --> 00:03:56,186 When they found out how much money they could save 87 00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:58,895 by using us to help simplify their 5G rollout, 88 00:03:58,978 --> 00:04:01,311 they practically shit themselves. 89 00:04:01,395 --> 00:04:04,561 (LAUGH) This could be bigger than we thought. 90 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,937 Monica, we could be on 100 million phones. 91 00:04:08,019 --> 00:04:09,812 - Holy shit. - Yeah. 92 00:04:09,895 --> 00:04:12,520 - Okay. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. - Yeah. 93 00:04:12,603 --> 00:04:14,995 - You know, focus on Hawaii, make sure we land the plane. - Yeah. 94 00:04:15,019 --> 00:04:17,061 It's weird. I actually don't know what to do 95 00:04:17,144 --> 00:04:20,144 when things are going well. It is not natural. 96 00:04:21,144 --> 00:04:23,144 (CHUCKLING) 97 00:04:23,728 --> 00:04:25,395 - Yeah. - Okay. 98 00:04:25,478 --> 00:04:26,728 Ha, ha, ha! 99 00:04:26,812 --> 00:04:28,120 HOST: What's the newest killer app 100 00:04:28,144 --> 00:04:29,728 coming out of Silicon Valley? 101 00:04:29,812 --> 00:04:32,186 Would you believe ethics? 102 00:04:32,269 --> 00:04:34,144 It's all thanks to our first guest, 103 00:04:34,228 --> 00:04:36,269 a former big-tech CEO 104 00:04:36,353 --> 00:04:38,269 turned responsible tech evangelist... 105 00:04:38,353 --> 00:04:40,144 You know what? Not even this turd 106 00:04:40,228 --> 00:04:41,978 is gonna bring me down right now. 107 00:04:42,061 --> 00:04:44,895 HOST: Caution and accountability. Thanks for being here. 108 00:04:44,978 --> 00:04:47,186 GAVIN: Well, I always find time for you, Gabby. 109 00:04:47,269 --> 00:04:49,269 Please. No one is buying your bullshit, Gavin. 110 00:04:49,353 --> 00:04:51,228 GAVIN: My message invigorates me. 111 00:04:51,311 --> 00:04:53,978 For too long, these large tech companies 112 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:57,144 have harvested our data, they have violated our privacy, 113 00:04:57,228 --> 00:04:58,728 they have tracked our every move. 114 00:04:58,812 --> 00:05:02,395 They is you, you hypocrite. You did that. He did that! 115 00:05:02,478 --> 00:05:04,603 Starting today, I will be asking 116 00:05:04,687 --> 00:05:06,311 prominent members of the tech community 117 00:05:06,395 --> 00:05:08,645 to sign their name onto this. 118 00:05:08,728 --> 00:05:11,144 A code of conduct, authored by me, 119 00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,812 that pledges them to a universal ethos, 120 00:05:13,895 --> 00:05:16,812 which I created, that I call, "tech ethics," 121 00:05:16,895 --> 00:05:18,645 or, "tethics" for short. 122 00:05:18,728 --> 00:05:20,812 - Oof. - GABBY: Tethics. Clever. 123 00:05:20,895 --> 00:05:22,186 - (GIGGLING) - No. No, it isn't. 124 00:05:22,269 --> 00:05:24,144 Fuck that guy. Honestly, fuck that guy. 125 00:05:24,228 --> 00:05:25,228 Richard, I have your tea. 126 00:05:25,311 --> 00:05:26,853 No one in town is ever gonna sign 127 00:05:26,937 --> 00:05:28,186 this hypocrite's 128 00:05:28,269 --> 00:05:30,687 - hypocritical garbage. - GABBY: Well, I'm sold. 129 00:05:30,770 --> 00:05:33,978 - Can I sign? - GAVIN: Well, you have to lead a corporation. 130 00:05:34,061 --> 00:05:36,812 Okay. And how about you at home? 131 00:05:36,895 --> 00:05:39,645 Are you tethical? Tweet us @GoodDayTheBay 132 00:05:39,728 --> 00:05:41,311 and let us know where you stand. 133 00:05:41,395 --> 00:05:44,353 Sure, yes, I will. Get ready for some opinions. 134 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:46,728 Holden? 135 00:05:47,061 --> 00:05:49,770 Why is the television on the news? 136 00:05:49,853 --> 00:05:53,144 Jared, I don't need you telling me my job, okay? 137 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:54,687 Holden, um, 138 00:05:54,770 --> 00:05:57,561 I know things have been a bit antagonistic between us. 139 00:05:57,645 --> 00:06:00,228 We've been like, uh, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. 140 00:06:00,311 --> 00:06:03,687 But, I've been thinking about it, and you work for Richard, 141 00:06:03,770 --> 00:06:06,269 and I want what's best for him 142 00:06:06,353 --> 00:06:09,103 'cause I want him to be happy, so from now on... 143 00:06:09,978 --> 00:06:11,603 you're my friend. 144 00:06:12,144 --> 00:06:13,687 You're my best friend. 145 00:06:14,144 --> 00:06:15,853 Even if you make the occasional oopsie. 146 00:06:15,937 --> 00:06:17,144 Are you fucking with me? 147 00:06:17,228 --> 00:06:19,019 Why would I do that to my best friend? 148 00:06:19,103 --> 00:06:20,937 - Love you like a brother. - Uh... 149 00:06:22,812 --> 00:06:24,144 Absolutely not. 150 00:06:24,228 --> 00:06:26,269 We haven't told you what we want yet. 151 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:28,019 - Irrelevant. - Sit down. 152 00:06:28,103 --> 00:06:30,103 - Thank you. - TRACY: I'd like to talk to you 153 00:06:30,186 --> 00:06:31,728 about your Piper-Pulse numbers. 154 00:06:31,812 --> 00:06:33,061 GILFOYLE: I'd like that, Tracy, 155 00:06:33,144 --> 00:06:35,144 because I have no idea what the fuck that is. 156 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,687 Of course you do. It's the system that Tracy created 157 00:06:37,770 --> 00:06:40,687 for employees to give feedback on senior management. 158 00:06:41,103 --> 00:06:42,687 TRACY: The point is, I happen to know 159 00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,687 a lot of folks over at ATandT, 160 00:06:44,770 --> 00:06:46,728 and I think it might help us 161 00:06:46,812 --> 00:06:49,770 if I back-channel some of the information I've gathered. 162 00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:52,395 But before I do, I'd like to tell you how you're doing. 163 00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:53,937 I know how I'm doing. 164 00:06:54,019 --> 00:06:55,645 I'm fucking killing it. 165 00:06:55,728 --> 00:06:57,228 I'm building great shit out there. 166 00:06:57,311 --> 00:07:01,311 Yes. Your acumen scores are excellent. 167 00:07:01,395 --> 00:07:03,895 On a scale of one to 10, you're at a 9.9. 168 00:07:03,978 --> 00:07:06,436 So, all 10's and... 169 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,019 - Dinesh. - But, it's your 170 00:07:08,103 --> 00:07:11,061 interpersonal rating I'd like to drill down on. 171 00:07:11,144 --> 00:07:12,561 It's at 1.5. 172 00:07:12,645 --> 00:07:15,144 Your coworkers find you unapproachable, 173 00:07:15,228 --> 00:07:16,520 rude, 174 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,186 and capable of great hurt 175 00:07:19,269 --> 00:07:21,144 with an unsettling stare. 176 00:07:22,478 --> 00:07:23,937 Okay. 177 00:07:24,019 --> 00:07:26,436 We want ATandT to see a thriving company. 178 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,603 If you really make a concerted effort 179 00:07:28,687 --> 00:07:30,603 at outreach and team building, 180 00:07:30,687 --> 00:07:32,853 - you could get your numbers up. - GILFOYLE: Tracy. 181 00:07:32,937 --> 00:07:35,937 I appreciate you wanting to participate 182 00:07:36,019 --> 00:07:37,269 in the world of numbers. 183 00:07:37,353 --> 00:07:39,436 I find it endearing. 184 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,770 But yours are horseshit. 185 00:07:40,853 --> 00:07:43,103 They measure nothing. If I wanted to, 186 00:07:43,186 --> 00:07:45,478 I could have all 10's by the end of the week. 187 00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:47,895 Gilfoyle, metrics like Piper-Pulse 188 00:07:47,978 --> 00:07:49,311 are a widely accepted measure 189 00:07:49,395 --> 00:07:50,770 of how your peers feel about you. 190 00:07:50,853 --> 00:07:54,019 Speaking of, Monica, your interpersonal is at a 2. 191 00:07:54,103 --> 00:07:55,478 - What? - Huh. 192 00:07:55,561 --> 00:07:58,311 No, that's just because Priyanka and her little... 193 00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:01,311 witch's nest over at Foxhole are bringing my numbers down. 194 00:08:01,395 --> 00:08:03,103 No. Most of your lower scores 195 00:08:03,186 --> 00:08:06,353 are coming from engineers, who are 84% male. 196 00:08:06,561 --> 00:08:08,812 Maybe you should try some of that outreach. 197 00:08:08,895 --> 00:08:12,144 Whatever I do, I'm sure I could do it better than you. 198 00:08:12,228 --> 00:08:13,937 Two days. 199 00:08:14,019 --> 00:08:15,687 All 10's. 200 00:08:16,478 --> 00:08:17,603 Deal. 201 00:08:17,687 --> 00:08:20,395 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Aloha. Aloha to you. 202 00:08:21,061 --> 00:08:23,228 Aloha. Alo... 203 00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,395 - Oh, hey, Dinesh. - What the fuck. 204 00:08:26,645 --> 00:08:27,770 I like your beard. 205 00:08:27,853 --> 00:08:29,687 Um, why are you here? Where's AJ? 206 00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,687 Oh, AJ can't come. You wanted him 207 00:08:31,770 --> 00:08:33,978 to become a certified scuba before the trip, right? 208 00:08:34,061 --> 00:08:35,603 Yeah, so we could... 209 00:08:35,687 --> 00:08:37,144 fucking scuba, Gabe. 210 00:08:37,228 --> 00:08:39,037 Well, he finished all his check dives last night, 211 00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:41,311 but you have to wait 24 hours before you fly, 212 00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:43,687 so we decided to trade places. 213 00:08:43,770 --> 00:08:45,436 - For the day? - Uh, no. 214 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,269 F-for-for all of it. 215 00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:50,269 - Why? - Because it... 216 00:08:50,353 --> 00:08:52,520 - it-it'd be easier? - No. 217 00:08:52,603 --> 00:08:54,687 And what are you doing in first class? 218 00:08:54,770 --> 00:08:57,186 So, the pilot is from Pakistan. 219 00:08:57,269 --> 00:09:00,353 I said, "Hey, I know a guy from Pakistan. I work with him." 220 00:09:00,436 --> 00:09:01,829 And then he said, "Hey, why don't you 221 00:09:01,853 --> 00:09:05,395 come to the front and sit in the big chairs." 222 00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,645 B-but that's me. I'm the guy from Pakistan. 223 00:09:07,728 --> 00:09:10,395 I told him that, and then he... And then he put me here. 224 00:09:10,478 --> 00:09:13,144 Okay, but I, the guy from Pakistan... 225 00:09:13,228 --> 00:09:15,186 - Right. - Am back in economy. 226 00:09:15,269 --> 00:09:17,937 Sir? You're gonna need to take your seat. 227 00:09:18,019 --> 00:09:19,812 And Captain Bashir wanted you to have 228 00:09:19,895 --> 00:09:21,269 these samosas his mother made. 229 00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:23,144 Oh. No, thank you. 230 00:09:23,228 --> 00:09:25,687 ♪ ♪ 231 00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:28,019 (TYPING) 232 00:09:30,561 --> 00:09:32,728 You got to be fucking kidding me. 233 00:09:32,812 --> 00:09:34,770 Hey, Danny? Excuse me? 234 00:09:35,478 --> 00:09:37,019 - What are you wearing? - A shirt. 235 00:09:37,103 --> 00:09:38,269 (SCOFFS) 236 00:09:38,770 --> 00:09:41,812 - Oh my God. - I think a lot of what Gavin is saying makes sense. 237 00:09:41,895 --> 00:09:44,395 Yeah, of course it does. I've been saying it for years. 238 00:09:44,478 --> 00:09:47,395 - So, you agree with him? - Well, no. He is full of shit. 239 00:09:47,478 --> 00:09:50,728 But, you aren't, even though you're saying the same things? 240 00:09:50,812 --> 00:09:52,853 Yeah, because I mean it! And I said it first! 241 00:09:52,937 --> 00:09:54,395 That feels petty and personal, 242 00:09:54,478 --> 00:09:56,812 which is against Gavin's code of tethics. 243 00:09:56,895 --> 00:09:58,454 - What does that even mean? - Hey, Richard, 244 00:09:58,478 --> 00:10:00,728 - are you signing Gavin's pledge? - Ah, what? 245 00:10:00,812 --> 00:10:02,454 Because I'm getting a lot of heat from my friends 246 00:10:02,478 --> 00:10:04,937 over at Facebook for working at an untethical company. 247 00:10:05,019 --> 00:10:08,061 Okay, cool. So, Facebook is calling us untethical. 248 00:10:08,144 --> 00:10:09,584 Yeah, because they signed the pledge. 249 00:10:09,645 --> 00:10:11,269 So did Google and Amazon and Twitter. 250 00:10:11,353 --> 00:10:12,770 - Don't care. - DANNY: Speaking of, 251 00:10:12,853 --> 00:10:13,978 even if you don't sign, 252 00:10:14,061 --> 00:10:15,770 could you at least stop tweeting about it? 253 00:10:15,853 --> 00:10:19,436 "Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass"? 254 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,895 - That doesn't even make sense. - (CHUCKLE) Yes, it does. 255 00:10:21,978 --> 00:10:23,603 It's dumb-ass but with thumb. 256 00:10:23,687 --> 00:10:26,228 Thumbass. It's basically perfect. 257 00:10:26,311 --> 00:10:29,144 Tethics is tech ethics. What's the thumb part? 258 00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:31,603 And why are you tweeting that from your personal account? 259 00:10:31,687 --> 00:10:33,812 The Verge referred to you as "notable tethics holdout" 260 00:10:33,895 --> 00:10:36,269 and amateur insult comedian Richard Hendricks." 261 00:10:36,353 --> 00:10:38,603 (SIGH) - Andy Borowitz wrote a pointed piece about you 262 00:10:38,687 --> 00:10:42,061 - called "Doubting Richard." - Ah, see? That doesn't really make any sense. 263 00:10:42,144 --> 00:10:44,079 I mean, what's the pun? What am I supposed to be enjoying there? 264 00:10:44,103 --> 00:10:45,788 - Now, you're harshing on Borowitz? - Well yeah, 265 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,395 if he's coming up with those zingers. 266 00:10:47,478 --> 00:10:49,245 If you like Andy Borowitz so much, why don't you marry him? 267 00:10:49,269 --> 00:10:51,603 Says the guy who's three months behind in child support. 268 00:10:51,687 --> 00:10:52,978 A dog is not a child! 269 00:10:53,061 --> 00:10:54,353 - Uh... - Michael Eisenberg 270 00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:55,520 from ATandT is on the phone. 271 00:10:55,603 --> 00:10:57,895 - He says it's urgent. - Ah, great. 272 00:10:58,561 --> 00:11:00,019 Hey, Michael, what's up? 273 00:11:00,103 --> 00:11:03,770 - Did you just publicly insult my boss? - What? No. 274 00:11:03,853 --> 00:11:05,704 "Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass." 275 00:11:05,728 --> 00:11:08,186 Well, my boss just signed Gavin Belson's pledge. 276 00:11:08,269 --> 00:11:09,537 - He did? Why? - MICHAEL: Because 277 00:11:09,561 --> 00:11:11,401 loudmouths like you got up in front of Congress 278 00:11:11,478 --> 00:11:13,829 and whined about how somebody needed to do something about big tech. 279 00:11:13,853 --> 00:11:15,478 Okay, I did that one time... 280 00:11:15,561 --> 00:11:16,978 MICHAEL: And now, Gavin has managed 281 00:11:17,061 --> 00:11:18,436 to paint himself as that guy. 282 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,019 And we all have to fall in line, or we'll be in PR hell. 283 00:11:21,103 --> 00:11:23,812 Or worse! We'll face government regulation. 284 00:11:23,895 --> 00:11:26,061 - MICHAEL: Look, have you read his pledge? - (LAUGHS) 285 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,520 No, of course not. It's trash. 286 00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:30,019 The first line says, "We, the undersigned, 287 00:11:30,103 --> 00:11:33,103 promise to make best efforts to," blah, blah, blah. 288 00:11:33,186 --> 00:11:35,478 Best efforts, Richard. It's totally toothless. 289 00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:37,520 Yes. Exactly, Michael. That's entirely my point. 290 00:11:37,603 --> 00:11:39,853 It's all empty bullshit. It means nothing. 291 00:11:39,937 --> 00:11:41,687 MICHAEL: Then who the fuck cares, Richard? 292 00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:44,520 Do not fuck this all up over a pointless moral stand! 293 00:11:44,603 --> 00:11:46,079 - Okay. - MICHAEL: Sign the fucking pledge! 294 00:11:46,103 --> 00:11:48,186 Oh, and stop tweeting about thumbs up people's asses. 295 00:11:48,269 --> 00:11:50,603 - Oh. No, th-that's wordplay. - (HANGS UP, DIAL TONE) 296 00:11:50,687 --> 00:11:51,853 Michael? 297 00:11:51,937 --> 00:11:54,603 ♪ ♪ 298 00:11:54,687 --> 00:11:57,353 That is one lucky mug, Holden, my friend. 299 00:11:57,436 --> 00:11:59,228 - Please stop. - Stop what? 300 00:11:59,311 --> 00:12:02,079 - You're just trying to creep me out so that I'll quit. - (LAUGHS) What? 301 00:12:02,103 --> 00:12:05,103 I mean, why wouldn't somebody be nice to you? 302 00:12:06,103 --> 00:12:07,853 Are you a piece of shit? 303 00:12:07,937 --> 00:12:09,978 (CHUCKLES) 304 00:12:13,061 --> 00:12:15,770 - GABE: Oh hey, Dinesh. - DINESH: Okay, listen, Gabe. 305 00:12:15,853 --> 00:12:17,687 I spent the entire flight streamlining 306 00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:20,103 our setup procedure, so I am gonna take 307 00:12:20,186 --> 00:12:22,186 the rental convertible and drive tower to tower, 308 00:12:22,269 --> 00:12:26,186 most of which are on pristine beaches or scenic volcanoes 309 00:12:26,269 --> 00:12:30,144 to check coverage while you sit at the office by yourself. 310 00:12:30,228 --> 00:12:32,228 - Welcome... - Oh! No! No! I get it. 311 00:12:32,311 --> 00:12:35,371 - Put it on me. I-I don't want the plastic one. - Are you one of the first cla... 312 00:12:35,395 --> 00:12:37,645 Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it... 313 00:12:37,978 --> 00:12:38,770 Aloha. 314 00:12:38,853 --> 00:12:41,019 ♪ ♪ 315 00:12:41,103 --> 00:12:43,812 Richard. To what do I owe the pleasure? 316 00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:46,603 Just calling to, you know. 317 00:12:46,687 --> 00:12:48,436 To what, Richard? 318 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,645 - Sign your thing. - GAVIN: My thing? To sign my thing? 319 00:12:51,728 --> 00:12:55,770 I sense a certain lack of commitment, Richard. 320 00:12:55,853 --> 00:12:57,687 I mean, if I suspected the only reason 321 00:12:57,770 --> 00:12:59,436 you wanted to lend your name to my cause 322 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,603 was because of the enormous pressure you're probably facing 323 00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:04,895 as a notable holdout, well, 324 00:13:04,978 --> 00:13:06,436 how could I allow you 325 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,061 to add your name to my tethics pledge? 326 00:13:09,144 --> 00:13:11,311 That would be... untethical. 327 00:13:11,395 --> 00:13:14,603 Gavin, come on. Just... can we get this over with? 328 00:13:14,687 --> 00:13:15,829 GAVIN: Then again, the idea of you 329 00:13:15,853 --> 00:13:17,144 publicly committing to the cause, 330 00:13:17,228 --> 00:13:19,436 that gives me joy. 331 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:23,186 So yes, Richard, I'd be happy to be your moral mentor. 332 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,478 I guess I'll see you at the ceremony. 333 00:13:25,561 --> 00:13:27,603 - What ceremony? - GAVIN: The groundbreaking 334 00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:30,645 - for the Institute. - Richard: What fucking institute? 335 00:13:30,728 --> 00:13:34,019 The Belson Institute of Tethics. It's all on our website. 336 00:13:34,103 --> 00:13:36,186 You and the others will all be there 337 00:13:36,269 --> 00:13:38,436 to publicly commit to the pledge. 338 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,853 Also, I'm gonna be asking you to say a few words. 339 00:13:40,937 --> 00:13:43,978 Just a bit about how much of a fan you are, 340 00:13:44,061 --> 00:13:47,520 dedicated to the cause, my cause, maybe lead with a joke. 341 00:13:47,603 --> 00:13:49,478 Be good to have you there, Richard. 342 00:13:49,853 --> 00:13:52,603 Securing my legacy with you at my wing. 343 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,728 Wear pants you can kneel in. 344 00:13:57,687 --> 00:13:58,728 Hey, Nathan! 345 00:13:58,812 --> 00:14:02,395 I was, uh, perusing your file, and I just... 346 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:06,561 Hey. 347 00:14:07,687 --> 00:14:09,520 - What? - Sorry. I just, um, 348 00:14:09,603 --> 00:14:11,561 I was quickly perusing your file... 349 00:14:11,645 --> 00:14:13,228 That's not what peruse means. 350 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:16,770 Peruse means to read thoroughly and carefully. 351 00:14:17,269 --> 00:14:20,687 Wow. That... that's... super helpful. 352 00:14:20,770 --> 00:14:23,603 Thank you for that tip. 353 00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:25,687 Um, anyway, yeah, 354 00:14:25,770 --> 00:14:28,937 I was just curious to know, like, what's it like... 355 00:14:29,019 --> 00:14:30,436 growing up in Rhode Island? 356 00:14:30,978 --> 00:14:34,186 Well, maybe some time when you're working on something, 357 00:14:34,269 --> 00:14:36,520 I can come interrupt your flow 358 00:14:36,603 --> 00:14:40,478 and use words incorrectly to tell you about it. 359 00:14:43,561 --> 00:14:45,144 Got it. 360 00:14:46,937 --> 00:14:49,103 Oh, you own a Prius? 361 00:14:49,186 --> 00:14:52,103 Popular choice. Later, Daniel. 362 00:14:52,561 --> 00:14:53,770 What? 363 00:14:53,853 --> 00:14:55,687 ♪ ♪ 364 00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:57,812 Well, you win. 365 00:14:57,895 --> 00:15:01,353 That is the worst case of contact dermatitis 366 00:15:01,436 --> 00:15:02,603 I have ever seen. 367 00:15:02,687 --> 00:15:04,812 - The itching is so insane! - Right. 368 00:15:04,895 --> 00:15:06,395 - It's like from the inside! - Warren! 369 00:15:06,478 --> 00:15:08,287 Come here, I want you to see something. This is Warren, 370 00:15:08,311 --> 00:15:10,895 our resident. This is his first week. 371 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,561 Warren, I want you to notice 372 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,395 the violent allergic reaction 373 00:15:14,478 --> 00:15:17,937 to the plumeria flowers used in the patient's lei, 374 00:15:18,019 --> 00:15:19,144 which is weird. 375 00:15:19,228 --> 00:15:21,019 Normally, they just hand out plastic ones. 376 00:15:21,103 --> 00:15:22,144 Just make it stop! 377 00:15:22,228 --> 00:15:23,895 Well, the good news is a strong 378 00:15:23,978 --> 00:15:26,895 anti-histamine shot oughta take care of it in no time. 379 00:15:26,978 --> 00:15:30,478 Oh! Great! Yeah! The shot! Just-just gimme the shot! 380 00:15:30,561 --> 00:15:33,520 Now, before we proceed, I should warn you the shot, 381 00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:35,061 it works like gangbusters, 382 00:15:35,144 --> 00:15:36,770 but it does tend to cause 383 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,228 acute sensitivity to sunlight, 384 00:15:39,311 --> 00:15:40,978 so you're gonna wanna stay indoors 385 00:15:41,061 --> 00:15:43,812 - for four to six weeks. - What?! 386 00:15:43,895 --> 00:15:45,520 Warren, no! 387 00:15:46,937 --> 00:15:50,061 We wait until after I've explained 388 00:15:50,144 --> 00:15:52,687 all the possible complications, 389 00:15:52,770 --> 00:15:54,561 and only then, 390 00:15:54,645 --> 00:15:56,520 do we administer the injection. 391 00:15:56,603 --> 00:15:58,728 - Did you say four to six weeks? - Yep. 392 00:15:58,812 --> 00:16:02,186 Otherwise, you're gonna be back here for something a lot worse. 393 00:16:03,019 --> 00:16:04,687 All right, well... 394 00:16:05,311 --> 00:16:07,603 that was a teachable moment, huh? 395 00:16:07,687 --> 00:16:08,937 - Yeah. Sure. - Yeah. 396 00:16:09,019 --> 00:16:10,186 ♪ ♪ 397 00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:12,770 (VIDEO GAME NOISES) 398 00:16:12,853 --> 00:16:15,603 I got next. And, uh, better watch out 399 00:16:15,687 --> 00:16:18,103 'cause I am the queen of Asteroids. 400 00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:20,978 - Are you trying to cut in line? - You don't need a quarter. 401 00:16:21,061 --> 00:16:22,770 It's on free play, duh. 402 00:16:22,853 --> 00:16:25,561 We get it. You make more money than us. 403 00:16:27,061 --> 00:16:28,728 Okay, you know what? 404 00:16:32,228 --> 00:16:34,019 - CARL: Gilfoyle, you're awesome. - Carl. 405 00:16:34,895 --> 00:16:36,353 You're doin' it. 406 00:16:36,436 --> 00:16:38,687 ♪ ♪ 407 00:16:39,228 --> 00:16:40,645 What the fuck? 408 00:16:40,728 --> 00:16:42,687 My man. 409 00:16:43,978 --> 00:16:45,645 "Integrity. We do the right thing. 410 00:16:45,728 --> 00:16:48,603 - "We are committed to the highest ethical standards." - It's all such 411 00:16:48,687 --> 00:16:52,186 banal, self-righteous, hacky bullshit. 412 00:16:52,269 --> 00:16:53,687 - And I have to endorse it? - Yeah. 413 00:16:53,770 --> 00:16:57,311 It is particularly pedestrian pablum, even for Gavin. 414 00:16:57,395 --> 00:16:59,019 "Responsibility. We contribute" 415 00:16:59,103 --> 00:17:01,019 to the growth, joy, and enrichment 416 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,061 of all the lives we touch. 417 00:17:03,144 --> 00:17:04,978 - "Courage..." - Wait, uh, 418 00:17:05,061 --> 00:17:06,741 - what was that last one? - Responsibility? 419 00:17:06,812 --> 00:17:08,687 Uh, "We contribute to the growth", 420 00:17:08,770 --> 00:17:11,269 joy, and enrichment of all the lives we touch." 421 00:17:12,978 --> 00:17:14,103 Holden! 422 00:17:14,728 --> 00:17:17,228 Can you bring the menu book in here, please? 423 00:17:17,561 --> 00:17:18,770 Hi, guy! 424 00:17:19,812 --> 00:17:21,520 - Here you go. - Thanks. 425 00:17:21,603 --> 00:17:24,395 Yes. You are a good boy. 426 00:17:25,687 --> 00:17:27,269 Are you hungry? 427 00:17:27,353 --> 00:17:30,103 I am. Holden. 428 00:17:30,603 --> 00:17:32,269 Holden. 429 00:17:32,561 --> 00:17:33,561 Holden. 430 00:17:34,436 --> 00:17:35,728 Holden... 431 00:17:35,812 --> 00:17:37,728 Ah, good. Applebee's. We were... 432 00:17:37,812 --> 00:17:39,228 ordering from here the other night, 433 00:17:39,311 --> 00:17:42,520 and we were all joking about this, uh... Yes, look. 434 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,478 Uh, so, their mission statement 435 00:17:44,561 --> 00:17:47,436 is right near their nachos, and we were saying 436 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,895 that this is not-cho mission statement. 437 00:17:49,978 --> 00:17:52,395 - (CHUCKLING) - Wait, I'm sorry. 438 00:17:52,478 --> 00:17:54,019 Was that a joke? 439 00:17:54,687 --> 00:17:56,561 That. It's... it's a pun. 440 00:17:56,645 --> 00:17:58,853 - Right. - It's just like thumbass, you know. 441 00:17:58,937 --> 00:18:00,353 It's in the same genre. 442 00:18:00,687 --> 00:18:03,770 - JARED: Like what? - Thumbass? I've been saying it a lot. 443 00:18:05,353 --> 00:18:07,144 - (CHUCKLES) - Read it, read it. 444 00:18:07,978 --> 00:18:09,579 "At Applebee's, our mission is to contribute" 445 00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:11,061 to the growth, joy... 446 00:18:11,144 --> 00:18:14,687 "and enrichment of all the lives we touch." Wait... 447 00:18:14,770 --> 00:18:17,728 That's word for word what's in Gavin's pledge. 448 00:18:17,812 --> 00:18:19,061 Yes, it is. 449 00:18:19,144 --> 00:18:21,120 - You don't think... - That's exactly what I think. 450 00:18:21,144 --> 00:18:23,645 Read me another one of Gavin's frilly sentences. 451 00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:27,853 "Maintaining our uncompromising principles while we grow." 452 00:18:27,937 --> 00:18:29,603 (TYPING) 453 00:18:29,687 --> 00:18:32,061 (SCOFFS) That's Starbucks. 454 00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:33,561 Okay, again. 455 00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:36,895 "Enhance the quality of life for all ages." 456 00:18:37,853 --> 00:18:39,603 - That's the AARP. - Yes! 457 00:18:39,687 --> 00:18:42,103 My best friend Gloria was a charter member for 35 years 458 00:18:42,186 --> 00:18:44,269 - before she passed. - RICHARD: The question is... 459 00:18:44,853 --> 00:18:46,937 if Gavin stole his entire code of conduct 460 00:18:47,019 --> 00:18:49,937 for this stupid fucking foundation, 461 00:18:50,019 --> 00:18:52,645 what else has he been stealing? 462 00:18:53,937 --> 00:18:55,436 MONICA: All right, I give up. 463 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,311 Even this stupid hair didn't work. 464 00:18:58,395 --> 00:19:00,895 How are you getting these people to like you? 465 00:19:00,978 --> 00:19:03,436 I'm not getting anyone to like me. 466 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:04,840 Bullshit. I've seen you out there. 467 00:19:04,895 --> 00:19:08,311 It's like you have a non-evil twin. It's very weird. 468 00:19:08,395 --> 00:19:10,144 Monica... 469 00:19:10,228 --> 00:19:13,436 gaining someone's confidence is easy. 470 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,978 Appear open and interested 471 00:19:16,061 --> 00:19:17,687 by mimicking their body language 472 00:19:17,770 --> 00:19:20,019 and repeating what they say back to them. 473 00:19:20,103 --> 00:19:22,812 So, you just repeat what they say? 474 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,061 I just repeat what they say. 475 00:19:25,144 --> 00:19:27,186 I was social engineering them. 476 00:19:28,061 --> 00:19:30,144 Once trust is established, 477 00:19:30,228 --> 00:19:33,061 the social engineer simply offers up information, 478 00:19:33,144 --> 00:19:36,645 and the subject will reciprocate: Pets names, 479 00:19:36,728 --> 00:19:38,687 kids names, birthdays. 480 00:19:38,770 --> 00:19:40,812 Then, that information is entered 481 00:19:40,895 --> 00:19:42,937 into a word list generator. 482 00:19:43,019 --> 00:19:46,269 Pop it with their hash into John The Ripper, 483 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,478 and within minutes, 484 00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,228 you have their passwords. 485 00:19:49,478 --> 00:19:52,019 So, you're just gonna change all your scores to 10's? 486 00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:53,645 Yep. 487 00:19:54,770 --> 00:19:56,103 Can you do mine, too? 488 00:19:56,436 --> 00:19:59,019 I don't actually want them to like me. 489 00:19:59,103 --> 00:20:01,812 I hate them. I really fucking hate them. 490 00:20:01,895 --> 00:20:04,103 I just don't like having 2's. 491 00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:06,770 You know, 492 00:20:06,812 --> 00:20:09,728 I could raise both of our scores 493 00:20:09,812 --> 00:20:12,812 and continue this charade. Or... 494 00:20:12,895 --> 00:20:15,436 I could lower someone else's, 495 00:20:15,812 --> 00:20:19,603 and put an end to these shenanigans once and for all. 496 00:20:19,687 --> 00:20:21,103 I like it. 497 00:20:22,061 --> 00:20:23,436 (CLINK) 498 00:20:24,228 --> 00:20:26,103 (APPLAUSE) 499 00:20:26,561 --> 00:20:27,687 Thank you. 500 00:20:27,770 --> 00:20:29,520 It's quite an event, eh? 501 00:20:30,019 --> 00:20:33,269 See down there? It's Facebook, Google, 502 00:20:33,603 --> 00:20:35,228 even fucking Bezos sent someone. 503 00:20:35,311 --> 00:20:38,061 All here to support the cause. My cause. 504 00:20:38,144 --> 00:20:39,645 (INDISTINCT SPEAKER) 505 00:20:39,728 --> 00:20:41,645 - You know who else showed up? - Mm. 506 00:20:42,269 --> 00:20:43,853 Starbucks. 507 00:20:44,770 --> 00:20:45,978 Very good company. 508 00:20:46,061 --> 00:20:48,812 Filled with smart people with bold ideas. 509 00:20:49,269 --> 00:20:50,770 - I suppose. - Also, 510 00:20:51,436 --> 00:20:53,520 Anusol Plus. 511 00:20:54,228 --> 00:20:55,812 Do you have hemorrhoids, Gavin? 512 00:20:55,895 --> 00:20:57,603 Not currently. 513 00:20:58,144 --> 00:21:00,478 Made by Johnson and Johnson, also a good company. 514 00:21:00,561 --> 00:21:01,770 Do you know what they do? 515 00:21:01,853 --> 00:21:04,395 They spark solutions 516 00:21:04,478 --> 00:21:07,144 that create a better, healthier world. 517 00:21:07,228 --> 00:21:08,687 Just like you. 518 00:21:08,770 --> 00:21:09,937 You remember writing that? 519 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:11,144 I'm a busy man, Richard. 520 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,895 I've lived an incredible life. 521 00:21:12,978 --> 00:21:14,937 I saw a yeti one time, 522 00:21:15,019 --> 00:21:17,395 and forgot for a couple years. 523 00:21:17,478 --> 00:21:18,770 Well, 524 00:21:18,853 --> 00:21:20,937 I ran your little pledge 525 00:21:21,019 --> 00:21:23,520 through a plagiarism detection API. 526 00:21:24,311 --> 00:21:25,603 What are you implying, Richard? 527 00:21:25,687 --> 00:21:28,144 Well, I also looked at transcripts of 528 00:21:28,228 --> 00:21:29,978 your interviews and speeches. 529 00:21:30,186 --> 00:21:33,937 Your commencement speech at Liberty University. Stolen, 530 00:21:34,186 --> 00:21:36,978 from an obscure Afghan philosopher. 531 00:21:37,186 --> 00:21:39,436 And also, do you see 532 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,019 that guy right there? 533 00:21:41,561 --> 00:21:43,603 That is Rod Morgenstern, 534 00:21:43,687 --> 00:21:45,478 the author of "The Nautilus of Dreams," 535 00:21:45,561 --> 00:21:48,228 the eBook you blatantly plagiarized and turned into. 536 00:21:48,311 --> 00:21:50,436 "Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses." 537 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,269 Do you know how much harder my life has been 538 00:21:52,353 --> 00:21:54,687 - because I cared about ethics? - Tethics. 539 00:21:54,770 --> 00:21:56,704 I could've lost my company a dozen different times 540 00:21:56,728 --> 00:21:58,687 because I couldn't compromise 541 00:21:58,770 --> 00:22:00,995 - on my ethics, and now you're turning ethics... - Tethics. 542 00:22:01,019 --> 00:22:03,079 - Tethics. - Into some kind of fucking vanity project. 543 00:22:03,103 --> 00:22:05,311 - Tethics, Richard. Tethics. - Stop it. 544 00:22:05,395 --> 00:22:06,978 Something I came up with on my own. 545 00:22:07,061 --> 00:22:09,728 Well, it sounds fuckin' dumb. 546 00:22:11,645 --> 00:22:12,937 What do you want? 547 00:22:13,395 --> 00:22:15,269 Ever since I turned down your $10 million, 548 00:22:15,353 --> 00:22:18,853 all I ever wanted was for you to just go away. 549 00:22:18,937 --> 00:22:20,687 But, you and Hooli have tried 550 00:22:20,770 --> 00:22:22,728 to fuck me over a thousand different ways. 551 00:22:22,812 --> 00:22:24,812 You're a billionaire. You can do anything you want. 552 00:22:24,895 --> 00:22:28,353 You can run for president or buy a fuckin' basketball team, 553 00:22:28,436 --> 00:22:30,603 but you can't do this. 554 00:22:31,228 --> 00:22:32,687 And I'm gonna make sure of it. 555 00:22:33,144 --> 00:22:35,478 So, if you'll excuse me, I have to... 556 00:22:36,228 --> 00:22:37,645 look over my speech. 557 00:22:40,353 --> 00:22:42,311 (SPEAKER CONTINUES) 558 00:22:45,311 --> 00:22:46,228 Hey! 559 00:22:46,311 --> 00:22:48,353 So, you guys raised some issues 560 00:22:48,436 --> 00:22:50,978 with Piper-Pulse, so I really started looking into it, 561 00:22:51,061 --> 00:22:52,478 and it turns out, there are some... 562 00:22:52,561 --> 00:22:55,853 real problems with its reliability as a metric. So, 563 00:22:55,937 --> 00:22:57,019 I'm shutting it down. 564 00:22:57,103 --> 00:22:58,311 - Aw. - Hm. 565 00:22:58,395 --> 00:23:00,478 But the scores are derived from our coworkers, 566 00:23:00,561 --> 00:23:03,603 the most reliable indicator of job performance. 567 00:23:03,687 --> 00:23:05,436 Yeah, maybe we could help. You know, 568 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,603 - I'm sure if we took a look under the hood... - No! 569 00:23:08,019 --> 00:23:10,269 Bad system. Didn't work. 570 00:23:10,353 --> 00:23:11,728 Thank you. 571 00:23:13,395 --> 00:23:14,561 (CLINK) 572 00:23:14,645 --> 00:23:17,937 (SPEAKING NATIVE AMERICAN LANGUAGE) 573 00:23:26,728 --> 00:23:29,395 (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) 574 00:23:29,478 --> 00:23:31,311 Oh, I guess I'm up. 575 00:23:31,395 --> 00:23:33,728 - (CLAPPING) - Thank you. 576 00:23:33,812 --> 00:23:36,228 Thank you, Elder Red Spirit, 577 00:23:36,311 --> 00:23:38,937 for those profound... 578 00:23:39,019 --> 00:23:40,228 sentiments. 579 00:23:40,311 --> 00:23:41,812 I'm sorry. 580 00:23:43,269 --> 00:23:44,603 I, uh... 581 00:23:44,687 --> 00:23:46,311 I can't do this. 582 00:23:47,228 --> 00:23:48,645 (SIGH) As humbling as it is 583 00:23:48,728 --> 00:23:51,520 to have all of you sitting here, paying tribute to me, 584 00:23:52,144 --> 00:23:53,812 I have to be honest. 585 00:23:55,353 --> 00:23:57,395 I have been anything but ethical. 586 00:23:58,019 --> 00:24:01,269 In truth, I am a plagiarist, and a liar, 587 00:24:01,353 --> 00:24:04,561 and a thief. Ironically, the very... 588 00:24:05,895 --> 00:24:08,895 code of virtue I've asked you all to abide by was, 589 00:24:08,978 --> 00:24:11,186 in itself, stolen. 590 00:24:11,687 --> 00:24:13,478 And perhaps, some day, 591 00:24:13,561 --> 00:24:15,269 someone may 592 00:24:15,353 --> 00:24:17,561 erect a foundation the likes of this. 593 00:24:18,645 --> 00:24:21,478 But it will not be, and should not, 594 00:24:21,561 --> 00:24:22,728 be me. 595 00:24:24,311 --> 00:24:26,978 And in the interest of being truly honest, 596 00:24:27,061 --> 00:24:28,728 this is not new behavior. 597 00:24:28,812 --> 00:24:31,520 I have, for years and years, 598 00:24:31,603 --> 00:24:35,019 practiced a parasitic and cynical brand of 599 00:24:35,103 --> 00:24:38,603 predatory capitalism that leaves nothing to be admired. 600 00:24:38,687 --> 00:24:41,603 Ethics? Not a priority. 601 00:24:41,687 --> 00:24:43,812 In fact, my behavior 602 00:24:43,895 --> 00:24:45,728 may have bordered on criminal. 603 00:24:45,812 --> 00:24:48,812 And to those I have wronged by this, 604 00:24:48,895 --> 00:24:50,228 I apologize. 605 00:24:50,311 --> 00:24:52,770 But apologies are cheap, aren't they? 606 00:24:52,853 --> 00:24:54,561 There must be a reckoning. 607 00:24:54,895 --> 00:24:56,561 Which is why today, 608 00:24:56,645 --> 00:24:58,978 here in this public forum, 609 00:24:59,061 --> 00:25:01,645 I call for the attorney general 610 00:25:01,728 --> 00:25:03,353 of the state of California to launch 611 00:25:03,436 --> 00:25:05,061 an immediate investigation 612 00:25:05,144 --> 00:25:08,186 of my conduct as CEO of Hooli... 613 00:25:09,228 --> 00:25:11,770 - (CROWD MURMURING) - leaving no stone unturned. 614 00:25:12,103 --> 00:25:14,353 The truth must finally be revealed. 615 00:25:15,228 --> 00:25:16,853 I apologize 616 00:25:16,937 --> 00:25:19,269 for putting you all through this, especially... 617 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,770 those of you who actually lead lives of... 618 00:25:23,144 --> 00:25:25,269 real virtue. 619 00:25:25,853 --> 00:25:29,061 - (SIGHS) - (CROWD MURMURING) 620 00:25:30,770 --> 00:25:32,478 Hey, Gavin. 621 00:25:32,561 --> 00:25:34,603 I know that wasn't easy. 622 00:25:34,687 --> 00:25:36,186 Sure about that? 623 00:25:36,645 --> 00:25:39,436 Should've taken the $10 million, Richard. 624 00:25:40,144 --> 00:25:43,728 Enjoy the injunction, thumbass. 625 00:25:45,978 --> 00:25:47,103 What? 626 00:25:47,937 --> 00:25:49,436 Okay, Donny. Yeah, you, too, 627 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:51,395 and I appreciate it, by the way. 628 00:25:51,478 --> 00:25:53,770 All right, I'll catch you on the flip side. 629 00:25:54,436 --> 00:25:58,103 (SIGH) Okay, so, this is real. 630 00:25:58,186 --> 00:26:01,395 The AG just told me they're launching an investigation 631 00:26:01,478 --> 00:26:05,061 into Gavin's price fixing and anti-competitive behavior 632 00:26:05,144 --> 00:26:06,812 while he was at Hooli, 633 00:26:06,895 --> 00:26:08,770 and Gavin called it. So, obviously, 634 00:26:08,853 --> 00:26:11,228 the first move is to file an injunction against 635 00:26:11,311 --> 00:26:15,353 any further merging between Hooli and Pied Piper. 636 00:26:15,770 --> 00:26:17,520 Okay. W-what does injunction mean? 637 00:26:17,603 --> 00:26:19,395 - What does that mean? - It means 638 00:26:19,478 --> 00:26:22,603 until this investigation concludes, 639 00:26:22,687 --> 00:26:25,603 you are prohibited from mixing any more. 640 00:26:25,687 --> 00:26:28,186 Hooli chocolate with the Pied Piper peanut butter. 641 00:26:28,269 --> 00:26:32,144 Well, we're in the middle of merging our codebases. 642 00:26:32,228 --> 00:26:34,895 - Yeah, unmerge them. - Well, that's impossible. 643 00:26:34,978 --> 00:26:38,478 I mean, Christ, we're using HooliPhones in our Hawaii test. 644 00:26:39,228 --> 00:26:41,561 So, by calling for an investigation 645 00:26:41,645 --> 00:26:44,853 into his own behaviors, he can kill us? 646 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,103 Fuckin' Gavin Belson. 647 00:26:47,186 --> 00:26:50,061 Fuckin' Gavin Belson. 648 00:26:50,144 --> 00:26:51,937 - (CHUCKLING) - (MOCKING LAUGHTER) 649 00:26:52,019 --> 00:26:53,939 Is this fun? I'm sorry. Are-are you admiring him? 650 00:26:53,978 --> 00:26:56,937 You got to separate the artist from the art, 651 00:26:57,019 --> 00:26:58,228 Rico. I mean, this is... 652 00:26:58,311 --> 00:27:00,937 elegant, you know? This is, this is graceful. 653 00:27:01,019 --> 00:27:03,144 This is kinda like, uh... 654 00:27:03,228 --> 00:27:05,311 What's the, uh, what's the name of that... 655 00:27:05,395 --> 00:27:07,728 - ballerina dude? - Baryshnikov. 656 00:27:07,812 --> 00:27:09,019 - No. - Nureyev? 657 00:27:09,103 --> 00:27:12,436 - No... - Does it fucking matter, Ron? Who cares? 658 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,520 We're paralyzed! We're gonna be broke! 659 00:27:14,603 --> 00:27:16,728 Shit, yeah. And, 660 00:27:16,812 --> 00:27:19,228 now Gavin's gonna be able to buy Pied Piper 661 00:27:19,311 --> 00:27:20,978 for pennies on the dollar. 662 00:27:21,061 --> 00:27:24,019 He is under investigation, right? 663 00:27:24,103 --> 00:27:26,895 So, something bad can happen to him. 664 00:27:27,019 --> 00:27:29,019 Worst case, they find he acted in bad faith, 665 00:27:29,103 --> 00:27:32,395 and then Hooli's got to pay a big fine or something. 666 00:27:33,353 --> 00:27:34,937 But you own Hooli, so... 667 00:27:35,019 --> 00:27:37,561 you'd have to pay that fine. 668 00:27:37,645 --> 00:27:39,395 Fucking ninja! 669 00:27:40,853 --> 00:27:42,269 (SIGH) 670 00:27:42,353 --> 00:27:43,478 We're dead. 671 00:27:43,561 --> 00:27:45,728 Gregory Hines! 672 00:27:46,353 --> 00:27:48,770 Dancer guy. He's an American treasure. 673 00:27:51,561 --> 00:27:53,728 RUSS: Richard Hendricks! 674 00:27:55,937 --> 00:27:58,061 What's up? (GRUNT) 675 00:28:00,061 --> 00:28:02,019 Right? Right? 676 00:28:02,103 --> 00:28:04,186 Read it. Get it? 677 00:28:04,269 --> 00:28:07,645 - Now say it. - Look, Russ, I don't really have time for you right now. 678 00:28:07,728 --> 00:28:10,353 Or your festival, if that's why you're here. 679 00:28:10,436 --> 00:28:11,895 The Attorney General of California 680 00:28:11,978 --> 00:28:13,561 just signed our fuckin' death warrant. 681 00:28:13,645 --> 00:28:15,520 Yeah, I heard Belson gaped your asshole today 682 00:28:15,603 --> 00:28:17,019 - and not in that fun way. - Cool. 683 00:28:17,103 --> 00:28:18,770 Great. Well, 684 00:28:18,853 --> 00:28:20,579 I've got to go inside and tell everyone, so... 685 00:28:20,603 --> 00:28:22,436 No, you don't, you lucky fuck. 686 00:28:23,061 --> 00:28:24,228 (CLICKING TONGUE) 687 00:28:24,311 --> 00:28:26,478 Lucky fucky. Richard, 688 00:28:26,561 --> 00:28:28,353 Don Delarenta, the AG of California, 689 00:28:28,436 --> 00:28:30,120 is gonna do whatever the fuck I tell him to do. 690 00:28:30,144 --> 00:28:32,812 - Why? - 'Cause I have dirt on him. 691 00:28:32,895 --> 00:28:35,019 Two years ago, he had an open-and-shut case 692 00:28:35,103 --> 00:28:37,645 against a guy who committed terrible crimes, 693 00:28:37,728 --> 00:28:38,978 but he didn't prosecute him 694 00:28:39,061 --> 00:28:40,861 'cause that guy bribed him and I can prove it. 695 00:28:40,937 --> 00:28:42,913 You think the fuckin' AG is gonna wanna let the public see 696 00:28:42,937 --> 00:28:45,228 that he didn't prosecute a guy who did this? 697 00:28:45,311 --> 00:28:47,603 - Oh, my God! Holy fuck! - Or this? 698 00:28:47,687 --> 00:28:49,853 - Or this? Jesus, look at that. - Fuck me! 699 00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,395 Hold on, wait... Is that you? 700 00:28:51,478 --> 00:28:54,061 Yeah. So is this. This. Here's portrait mode. 701 00:28:54,144 --> 00:28:56,425 - There's a panoramic in here somewhere. - I get it, Russ. 702 00:28:56,478 --> 00:28:58,853 Are you the one that committed the terrible crimes? 703 00:28:58,937 --> 00:29:00,728 Yeah. And that dirtbag 704 00:29:00,812 --> 00:29:03,937 let me off because I contributed half a mil to his campaign. 705 00:29:04,019 --> 00:29:05,537 Now I had told him I'd delete the photos, 706 00:29:05,561 --> 00:29:08,436 but what that moron didn't count on is that I'd forget. 707 00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,812 So, Richard. Question. 708 00:29:11,144 --> 00:29:12,645 Should I make the call? 709 00:29:13,186 --> 00:29:14,520 You ready to dump Hawaii, 710 00:29:14,603 --> 00:29:16,186 and join RussFest? 711 00:29:16,269 --> 00:29:18,228 ♪ ♪ 712 00:29:18,311 --> 00:29:20,228 Ah? Ah? Ah? 713 00:29:20,311 --> 00:29:22,037 You're not really giving me much of a choice. 714 00:29:22,061 --> 00:29:23,144 Ah! 715 00:29:24,353 --> 00:29:26,144 Don Delarenta, please. 716 00:29:26,436 --> 00:29:28,603 Tell him it's Russ Hanneman. 717 00:29:28,687 --> 00:29:30,019 He'll know. 718 00:29:31,812 --> 00:29:34,561 - (SCUBA BREATHING) - GABE: Uh, hey, Dinesh? 719 00:29:34,645 --> 00:29:37,228 - Oh hey, Dinesh. - (CLICK) 720 00:29:37,311 --> 00:29:39,978 (PHONE VIBRATING) 721 00:29:40,978 --> 00:29:42,645 Hey, Richard, what's up? 722 00:29:43,687 --> 00:29:46,103 You want me to come home? Like, 723 00:29:46,186 --> 00:29:47,853 leave Hawaii? 724 00:29:47,937 --> 00:29:50,311 No! 725 00:29:50,895 --> 00:29:52,269 Wait, for what? 726 00:29:52,353 --> 00:29:55,520 So, bitches, what do you think? 727 00:29:57,603 --> 00:29:59,978 ♪ ♪ 728 00:30:00,687 --> 00:30:02,228 DINESH: It's beautiful. 729 00:30:02,311 --> 00:30:03,895 RUSS: Tres Commas! 730 00:30:03,978 --> 00:30:05,436 Boom! 731 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:07,061 ♪ ♪ 732 00:30:07,144 --> 00:30:10,353 (LAUGHTER OVER ELECTRONIC BEAT) 733 00:30:35,812 --> 00:30:38,895 ♪ ♪ 734 00:31:05,853 --> 00:31:08,937 ♪ ♪ 735 00:31:18,770 --> 00:31:20,770 Hey, Gilfoyle. So, I've been thinking about your AI 736 00:31:20,812 --> 00:31:21,937 and its many deficits... 737 00:31:22,019 --> 00:31:24,019 Your issue may be insecurity, 738 00:31:24,103 --> 00:31:27,478 masked by false bravado and unisex cologne. 739 00:31:27,853 --> 00:31:29,269 (SCOFFS) It's not unisex. 740 00:31:29,353 --> 00:31:30,395 (SNIFFS) 741 00:31:30,895 --> 00:31:32,436 ♪ (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 742 00:31:32,978 --> 00:31:34,436 Richard! Russ Fest! 743 00:31:34,770 --> 00:31:37,853 You told ATandT that the hologram would be interactive, right? 744 00:31:38,269 --> 00:31:39,061 Yes. 745 00:31:39,144 --> 00:31:40,144 See, asshole?! 746 00:31:40,353 --> 00:31:43,228 My hologram can 100 percent dry hump festival goers 747 00:31:43,311 --> 00:31:44,103 from behind. 748 00:31:44,311 --> 00:31:46,311 If they ask for it. Hashtag-woke. 749 00:31:47,311 --> 00:31:49,103 Well, the purchasing seems stable. 750 00:31:49,186 --> 00:31:50,311 Everything is amazing. 751 00:31:50,812 --> 00:31:52,162 - (PANICKED SCREAMS) - What's it doing? 752 00:31:52,186 --> 00:31:53,371 BERTRAM GILFOYLE: Everything was fine, 753 00:31:53,395 --> 00:31:55,228 and then the network started deteriorating. 754 00:31:55,978 --> 00:31:57,978 Also, his trailer was filled with ants. 755 00:31:58,061 --> 00:31:59,687 ♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪ 756 00:32:02,144 --> 00:32:03,186 What did we do? 757 00:32:03,395 --> 00:32:04,478 Am I going to jail? 758 00:32:05,103 --> 00:32:07,103 Hey. I can train you. 759 00:32:09,978 --> 00:32:11,603 ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪